Right, new life begins on the 01/01/07 :P i actually dont like making new years resolutions, but this seems to be a good day as any to catch my lard loss bus.... i may have to run to catch it as it goes speeding passed me! but i will do it, i will! I know why i became fat, i was lonely and unhappy and felt unloved, so i filled the gap with food.... and boy was it a gap, more like the great rift valley actually! lol. But the thing that gets to me the most, after all the hard work i have done, and yes i am acnowleding the fact that i have done bloody well, because even though i pigged out these last couple of weeks.... my new size 16 jeans still fit, BOTH PAIRS! :D But as i was saying, the thing that get to me are the diet police. I didnt tell any one that i was starting my diet until they actually began to notice the weightloss, 1)because no one would believe that this time i would actually do it and 2) because i dont want/need the diet police on my back. IT DOESNT HELP GUYS!

when i came back from my first term in boarding school, having survided all the bullying and ostracism (buy eating) i came home and ate.... and instead of trying to find out why her normally happy child started eating like a rabbid starving wolf, my mother just tried to control what i ate and i had to live with 'where has the last packet of biscuts gone?' 'you cant just eat that' ' you shouldn eat that' 'havent you had enough' no mum i bloody hadnt

the valley wouldnt have been so large and unmanageable if you had filled it with kind words, compassion and just a little bit of love... instead you donned the diet poilce uniform.

so i didnt tell any one because i didnt want my mum or dad (who are notoriuos for doing this) saying 'should you be eating that?' its no wonder all my pigging out happens in secret because then its only my guilt trips i have to deal with. the diet police actually make it worse.... the minute someone says 'should you be eating tha' i want to reach for another... nope screw that... the whole packet of what ever it i was eating.

and hey i lost a whole stone on my own and can now run 5ks with out dying... what have you done? maybe that cookie, or piece of choc, or cake was my treat... and i was ALLOWED it... but you just ruined the moment and turned it into a power struggle... i have enough of a power struggle with myself thank you very much! and i do know that its just my folks trying to help and show support.... but really... its not helping and they dont seem to get it when i tell the just to bog off. i did it on my own when the wernt look what makes them think that i cant carry on?

when people started noticing my weightloss one guy commented 'you must have very good will power' and i said to him, yes i do: i will eat the second helping, i will eat the chocolate family sized bar, i will finish the cookies.... of course my will power is good.... its actually my wont power that i am working on. I WONT give into that tempation, I WONT eat the second cookie, I WONT talk myself out of going to the gym, for that run/walk. Its my WONT power i have been so good with!

so to every one who reads this, i hope that your new year starts with increadible focus, determination, and that your WONT power doesnt let you down! let the voice of the WONT be the strongest for 2007. and until then.... for those that have fallen off the wagon (like meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee) enjoy it otherwise the guilt will just be another stumbling block when you do come down from the sugar high. so enjoy it up there, because lets face it the view is great! :D

goodluck for 2007 guys, i hope its everything you ever dreamed of

Went running last night, if you could call it that! i have my first 5k race on the 13Th, and i cant run... i have screwed up my knee a bit and my legs just felt weird the whole way round, and i managed to get blisters on both feet... so hobbbled home instead. was very angry with myself because of it! but what can you do... am going to buy a knee support thingy and run once this weekend and then again on the day of the race. i regularly run 6ks... so 5 should be no probs. i will just have to keep my fitness up by going cycling, swimming and to the gym. no worries.

speaking fo the gym i have finally sorted out my membership and have my new card etc... now i just ahve to go... i didnt bring any kit with me to work, but may go home early today and go down this evening and do some laps in the pool

Chritmas was good i ate like a horse... in fact i probably ate a horse! lol
but thats ok, i ment to. I will get back on the horse (no not the one i ate) in the new year... as we have more family celebrations for the next few days till new years.

From my grandparents i got a special weigh watchers, all singing all dancing scale.
got on said new scale on boxing day moring having just eaten... and weighed in at my lowest weight (haing gained two weeks ago and not gone to the weigh in the last week because i knew i had gained!!) and i am at my lowest weigh ever!!! (13.13 stone although was 14 this morning) which suits perfectly as long as i can keep it up till new years as if its 14 then it will be exactly 4 stone i have to loose. i love my new scale :p and will weigh myself every monday morning.

so hope every one else is full fed up and happy... its nearly a new year... and my new years resolution isnt to loose weight or anythig of the sort... its just to treat myself and my body with respect and to be happy!

Just a quick post to wish every one a very merry christmas!

Also wanted to say that i have now signed up for my first 5k race which is on the 13th of jan up Arthurs seat in holyrood.....so watch this space. while i was at it i signed up for my first 10k race to be held on 6th March (or was it may!) The great Edinburgh race.

did not get weighed this week as i am sure i have gained. I am 'blaming' it on the stress of my sister arriving today... Its hard enough being the second best in the family with out having to compete with my perfect little sister. Who is accademic, made friends in school, does as she is told, i thin and pretty.... its a good thig she is a nice person and i love her! and am looking forward to her being home for good, i just wish my folks loved me for who i was instead of always wanting more from me. eg. brought home a maths exam result once (i had slaved over the bloody thing!) with a 97% adn all my dad said to me was 'where is the other 3%. so bloody 97% isnt even good enough. if that was my sister she would have been praised to the heavens. stuff lie that happens to me all the time. when i told my folks about the race (bare in mind we are not a sporty family at all so what i do goes against the grain) they were jut like, oh thats cool. my work collegues got more excited (as they appear to know me better) than my folks bloody did!!!! so enough about that... im off for a run...seriously!

So Merry Christmas all

awsome tag stolen from andsoitbegins
Its a year in review kinda Quiz thingy... and we all know how much i love doing these! besides i am at work :p

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
never done before ever? i cant think of anything. Had a proper job perhaps?

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i dont actually rememeber making any. I will def have some for 2007.... my goals or things i wish to achieve by 2008 if you will

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My aunt gave birth to my sweet cousin Claire Robyn Freya Allester. Freya is a nice name

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Ben Richards. We wernt that close but he was a part of the fabric of my life for near on 5 years.

5. What countries did you visit?
France

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
Direction, and a great body ;)

7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?02/09/06 Watching my grandad marry the woman he loves. (you would understand if you knew my granny... she made the 43years they were married hell... for everyone involved)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Completeing the London to Brighton

9. What was your biggest failure?
the last two weeks!!!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Stomach ulcer... apparently i need to stress less

11. What was the best thing you bought?
my gym membership

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
dunno

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My dad's funnily enough, and my Gran.... we try not to think about Granny much.

14. Where did most of your money go?
gym i suppose

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My friends

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
The middle - Jimmy Eat World

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? not sure, sadder i think especially if you compare it to my gap year which was last year... that was unbelivably awsome... so i try not to campare them
ii. thinner or fatter? Bit of both
iii. richer or poorer? def richer... steady income and all that :)

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Forgiving

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Getting angry, uptight,stressed etc

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
with the family

22. Did you fall in love in 2006?
no

23. How many one-night stands?
None

24. What was your favorite TV program?
House/friends/top gear

25. Do you hate/like anyone now that you didn't this time last year?
I have made paece with some people

26. What was the best book you read?
Dunno... the Island by Vicoria Hislop was quite good... nothing ground breaking was read this year though

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Soweto String Quartet

28. What did you want and get?
to drive Craigs Car.... yay for summer!!! (seriously Lotus Elise and i get to drive it... ) he he he

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Probably Brokeback Mountain

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
was 20, went out with the family for Dinner to an amazing indian restuarant. And out with the mates the night before. Nothing too exciting

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
good weather? XD

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
I wear what i think looks flattering/pretty etc and what is comfortable and to hell with fasion.... if its jeans i am so there!!!!

34. What kept you sane?
not a lot, was barely sane most of the year... chocolate maybe?

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
ooh ooh... Matt Marshal!

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
I dont give a shit about politics, the news or any of that rubbish. I grew up in africa dammit... i know all about the downtrodden, the hunger, the famin, the murders, the fear and the hate. Politics is just evil and screwed up and i can very well do with out it in my life thank you very much

37. Who did you miss?
Every one at home!!!!

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Probably Susan, and the Soton lot XD

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
What ever santiy you have left? Hold on to it with both hands.... and dont worry things will get better... eventually ;)

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
'well here i am in the wind again, floating where it takes me''
''the endlessness that you feel as you are pulled from the racket of your silent reverie''

i wrote a post this morning but it appears to have been swallowed up by the black hole that eats remotes, batteries, single socks and the occasional email!!!

went shopping this moringn and got warm running gear as winter is now aupon us and the ground is icy, it will snow soon and my god its cold!!!

i have yoga this evening, will go to the gym hopefully tomorrow night, and a run tomorrow morning

the run that i mentioned in my last post? i did it again! and it wasnt so bad! in fact it was kinda nice

I gained two pounds (1 kilo) in my last weigh in... but have no one but myslef and bad eating to blame. tis ok though because as of today i am back on track! thank god because i was beginning to think i had lost the plot. but no... that. will. not. happen! grrrrrr. lol

anyway so i am flagging down the next lard loss bus that goes pasde, cause i want out of fatsville

and the BIGGEST news!!!! *drum roll*
i have entered my fist 5k race (13 jan)
and while i was at it entered my first 10k too 6th MAy


yay

btw Sara, thansk for the cooments, i have been reading ur blog as well, but cant seem to comment on it... i dont know if there is a problem on your side or if i am just being a doos?

again thanks to all who read, it helps

*hugs all*

well... i did it again and this time it was much esier... almost fun. did no running over the weekend at all!!!
he he

have yoga today and walzted out of the house this morning without my kit... oops

so since i go passed a shopping cneter i stopped and got a tshirt, and two joggin bottoms and two lightweight jogging tops as the shorts i use for running are a bit pointless now since its freezing outside and i need long pants...so yay!!!

i know this post is about clothes... but hey! i like clothes.... and i can gym in them and yoga in them and run in them and cycle in them, so i am a happy bunny


and i am sitting ehre drinking herbal tea avoiding the vending machine because i dont need it in my life!!!

and fter a crappy couple of weeks eating wise i put on 2 punds (1kilo) was very depressed about this but pulled myslef up for it ebcause its only my fault! so no more, getting back on track (fingers crossed guys!)

btw, Sara, i read ur blog and keep trying to comment on it... but cant seem to for somereason, is this a problem on myside or yours?

as always guys i love knowing that someone reads this and cares
*hugs all*

went to an excersise motivation seminar yesterday... which has actually succeeded in getting me back off my arse!!! i am tooteling off to the gym on sat to see if i can switch my memebership and everything. I went for a run last night... was planning on going this mroning but succeeded in sleeping through my alarm (this never ever happens to me so i must have been tired).

anyway back to my run last night, it was horrible. i am so rpoud of myslef. i am not sure of the distance...will go out in the car tonight to measure it....but it is furthar and faster than i have ever run!!! and it hurt every step of the way, it was unco-ordinated, painful hard and irritating... and i bloody kept going !!!!!! YAY so gold star for me. and when i walked (there were so fairly major hills in this route) it was for a minute... so in a 45min run... i walked for 1 min.... so *pats self on back*

for all that it was not a pleasant experience... i had decided on the route, and then i went and i bloody did it... and pretty quick too!!!

so am only slightly sore today...and had yoga on tues (more explination for the sore bit) it was great

although i had one probelm... my left foot went completely numb for the last 115min or so... like pins and neddles numb... is this ment to happen? i was wearing mynormal trainers and had nothing different about me to anyother run i have done?

I dont remeber a time when i was not fat. i dont know what thin feels like. i am looking at pictures of myself taken over the last couple of years... 5? 6?
and guess what... i am fat... double chin and wobbly neck and huge stomach and absolutely no sholders... just my face on a round lump. why am i doing this to myself... and those brief moments then i felt pretty... i only need look at pictures of myslef and see that i am just a fat lump... especially next to my sister. no one will ever love me if i stay like this...least of all myself

thats enough depression for one night, i just needed to document it... and tomorrow try and move on

*hugs self*

right

get life sorted outget over winter blues
get happy
and get back in control

Two very simple rules

1)weekdays must begin (6am) with a run...doesnt matter how long or short
2)no processed junky foods eg chocs or crisps

thats all

ok

so that pound i lost?
i must have been very lucky...or at least still doing something right even though it didnt feel like it. I think that i am allergic to somehting because as i sit here my stomach hurts like hell. And i have sinned this weekend...but i have a couple of malteesers yesterday and a couple to day.. where as i would have had two packets in a day... so although i am 'out of control' its no where near as bad as i used to be. so thats something to feel grateful for. and i have been running every day for the last four days must keep this up too.

have finally signed up to the gym... now i just have to go!!! may go tomorrow night just to swim as somehow this feels less threatening so must do this... must must must.

i need to get back on track and eating healthily.. i need to. i am now a size sixteen.yay. but i have never felt thin ever...so i think there is some mental issues to sort out as well...seeingas i seem to be into the whole self sabotage thing. why am i doing this? it just makes me feel fat and ill.

I think i went out on a date last night. it was bizaar. the guy is lovely though. will have to see what happens with this. gak
and uni applicatons and tidy room

think i may drag my sorry self outside for a run tonight because i need to do it for the endorphin rush...will make me feel much better.

although i am not down just a bit grumpy with myself for being a DOOS.

ah well... *hugs all*

got weighed yesterday... have lost another pound. Thank God! although i havebeen doing badly in terms of actual eating choices. So must get this back under control because when i am not, i feel fat because i am eating junk. I also dont feel fit and healthy.

Well thats all folks

I am too angry atm to write any more

I hope you have a fantastic weekend!!!

hi all

sorry have not updated in a while
weekend was interesting because i have finally gotten over said guy, and am toying with two of his friends instead..all harmless fun stuff dont worry!

have lost another two pounds (1kg) this was over two weeks but considering i was not eating well and was aaway for 5 days *pats self on back* yay for me!!!

have been keeping up the excercising and feel fitter at yoga and stronger...

must. keep. going. will. not. pig. out!

lol

have been an a fantastic mood for over two weeks now, so have def turned the corner as far as thats concerned

have also got my head round going to uni in sept and am pushing to get my appliacation done by end of Jan (the deadline)

so all in all, all is well

xxx