i am doing well

i havent really been snacking
i have drank loads of water
i have excercised

I will wait for the weigh in on thursday with baited breath!

am going out tonight as it is halloween, dont really feel like it, but i need to get out.

have also just realised that 7 pounds (although it seems small) is actually half a STONE

Trying to be in a better mood

The prevalent musing of this past week is who am I? what am I doing here? where am I going? what is my purpose. so I decided to focus on Who Am I?
I am independent yet seek the approval of others
I am outgoing yet shy
I am confident yet unsure of myself
I am brave yet afraid
I am strong but have moments of weakness
I am kind but can be bitchy
I listen and also talk over others
I am innocent yet worldly wise
I am laid back yet very excitable
I am easy to please but I have high expectations
I am comfortable on my own, I don't want to be alone
sometimes I am optimistic, sometimes pessimistic
I am a perfectionist that doesn't finish what she starts
I believe in fairies, unicorns and magic
I believe that love does conquer all
I believe in family, but mine drive me nuts
I sometimes think that the grass is greener on the other side
I think I have been on the other side
death doesn't scare me but dying does
I am intelligent but often feel stupid
I hope that there is life after death
small things amuse me
sometimes I am content, sometimes I am worried
I have been depressed and refuse to go there again
I have a dry sense of humour
I am spontaneous and also careful; I don't trust easily
I want more, I want less
I believe in second chances and I try not to judge people
I want to do it all by myself, yet I want to be rescued
I act without thinking, I think a lot, I think too much
I am normal, I am odd, I am insane, I am sane, I am loud, I am quiet
I can sit in silence or I can talk for days
sometimes I believe I can do anything, others...nothing
I get it right, I also get it wrong
I want life to be challenging and hard and exciting and fun, I just want peace and quiet and serenity
I wouldn't mind world peace and I believe in a global village
I hate
I love
I laugh
I cry
I am everything, I am nothing
I am
confused

Current Music: Vangelis - Conquest of Paradise
I have finally got my head back together and am feeling much more relaxed and confident.Regarding the life issue, i have decided that it doesnt matter if i dont know because then a) I am open to suggestions or major changes b)I can go with the flow and see where i end up C the world is my proverbial oyster (i dont actually like oysters but there you go)Reagrding other stuff have decided to take a step back, go with the flow and wait and see. (rest of the life issue really)Basically i am back on form!!! I love being laid back enough to see what happens and take things as they come.Also i dont know what i was so stressed about yesterday, i am content with my life as it is, and dont need to change it immediately... nothing has to happen fast, infact things are better if they develop slowly. I think i am starting to miss home less, had a chat with Marius yesterday and he was in the same position... but he now likes it here. i dont think i was giving it a chance, and what good does hanging onto the past do anyway, its the past. Besides i think i could like it here, infact i already do.So onwards and upwards little rabbitPS I am SO coming into work on tues dressed as a fairy (yes Dot, a fairy, since i will have to come straight from work to halloween drinks) besides letting people think i am weird is so much FUN!Oh and to date i have lost 7 pounds and a total of 8 inches.

MY GET UP AND GO HAS GOT UP AND GONE...


thats it really, its just gone, in all aspects of my life. I know i should be being super organised, and full of momentum, i cant even seem to get my butt into gear at work. I am trundling along in nuetral atm!

I have so many ideas, plans etc not to mention my weightloss. i just dont feel like doing anything. COME ON DAMMIT. just get on with it!

i have a little wish, a sort of small dream and am going to voice it here, and start planning and saving. (i know i should be being responsible and going off to uni and stuff, but i dont really want to do that yet, plus the fact that i will be lumbered with a huge student loan which is not something i want.)

I want to get on a plane, fly to Johanesburg, buy a bike and all the relevant gear, and just start cycling across africa heading for ciaro. howevere this will take lots of saving and planning. (i have a second job like i said in first post so this shouldnt be too hard)

am i nuts??? (i think if i told The Boy about this he would think i am nuts, i get the feeling that he is a very play it safe body.)

But seriously does anyone else wish they could pick up and just go?

so thats my bit for today, may rant somemore later though, just not feeling very happy today ie not my normal bubbly self.

have a great day

EDIT: i lost three pounds so am now at 14.11 stone. Mabye will get to 14 byt the time i see The Boy? hopefulyl!!!

Must. Get. Oragnised

Must. Plan. Meals

Must. Do. Excercise

Must. Get. Groove. BACK

Still picking at my food!

I dont think that he will find this blog, so I can rant and rave about it in here. as I really need an outlet for my stress. He is making me stressed. Me miss independent.
I suppose its because I know how much I like him, and I dont really know how he feels about me. He runs hot and cold ALL the time! so I dont know what to think. I am on edge atm because I saw him this weekend. and it took almost two days for anything to happen (we just kissed) and it was great. But I think being female, or being me, or neurotic, or overly sensitive or SOMETHING

the worst part is its not his fault

me and my neurosis. When I feel like he is paying attention to me I am on top of the world, and then when I think that he has turned on the cold tap I am back at the bottom. its just stupid, and I have got to stop it. I dont think there is any major change in his behavior only in mine.

Although there is the fact that I really like him and still dont really know how he feels about me, to stress about!

I need to go to the gym, I could do with some exercise, and something else but for fear that children mite be reading I wont go into graphic detail. kiddding!!! Actually I just love being touched, and kissed, and held and snuggled (which he did, and OMG he did it well) the way he held me was amazing, he is so strong and held me so tight. I felt safe. but maybe the main reason is that I dont get to see him very often and thats what buggs me the most because I think I miss him more than he misses me.

Sorry that this has nothing to do with weightloss, but I am going to use it for other random ramblings as well!!! (forewarned is fore armed and all that jazz)

But I did only eat breakfast (couldnt finish it) and a cheese and ham brown bread with seed roll. And thats it!!!

I am amazed at myself

But am aiming to be at least a size smaller and a lot more toned by the time I next see him

but for me, not for him, I mean he likes me now, im am just using it as a good incentive

This weekend was amazing. i Barely ate. actually for the first time ever i was not hungry. There was a reason for this and the reason has a little to do with a bloke. Nuff said. So i am calling the gym tomorrow and signing up!!! i love the gym. Oh and the best boot up the arse is that i dont see said bloke very often, so i am making it a personal goal to see how well i can do/ far i can get before i next see him. and this weekend really helped, i am feeling much much better, and in control. long may it last.

YAY

i have flu, i am a weak snivveling shaking mess. so atm the diet has gone out the window, its hard enough keeping liquids in me et alone food, and i ate loads of crap yesterday, buscuits and chinese takeaway.

i am also going down to london for a decadent weekend, so that wont help.

however on a postive note i am sure come monday i will be feeling better and will have my motivation back. I went out and got a bunch of healthy food recipies and diet books just to give myslef ideas and variety.

also went to the health food shop, i have made my own mueslie and bought things like mug beans and rooibos tea, i love roibos tea.

you will hear back from me on monday dudes, next weigh in is tuesday (first on with WW) so will let you know how that goes!

Good w/end all

ps this post was written yesterday and was way longer, but it somehow deleted itself so i do appologise if this is a bit dry and bland

Great, a visit from my three best friends


P

M

&

S

F*CK

sitting at my desk feeling, tired, bored, not very well, grumpy, irritated and angry

oh and i am eating a kitkat
and i scoffed two bags of crisps (normal size)

i need to go home before i kill some one


PLAN for tomorrow however is to go running and tidy my room... as this helps with the mood issue and clears my mind.

x

I AM NOT A RABBIT

but i think i am going to have to turn into one. I gained apund on the scale yesterday morning and then proceeded to eat...
one scone
one muffin
two cookies
two chocolates

fat pig

tonight i am having dinner at my grandparents house, so for lunch i am having a salad, with not a lot in it as we do our weekly shop on saturday.
and a yogurt and banana for breakfast.

I need to do this

i am sick of men thinking i fancy them and then finding this hilarious. yes i am fat but hey i have feelings. the problem with being fat is that people assume that the layers of blubber somehow protect you from nasty looks and thoughts and words...however the opposite is true, we are fat because we have emotional issues. And dont worry lady there is nothing you can say to me that i dont say to myself everytime i walk passed a mirror

so for now i am going to continue eating my salad, join WW (weight watchers) on tuesday, go for a run tomorrow morning, and try to stop thinking about anything with fat, sugar, preservatives, flour, salt or cocoa

That is all

OK its day one, well day one of my Blog as it happens. I kindof started my diet about a month ago as it happens, so to put you in the loop
START 21/09/06 15.4 stone (i am actaully metric but we get weighed atwork and they are not)
28/09/06 15 stone (and i wasnt even trying)
05/10/06 14.13
and then there was today 12/10/09 15 stone (I gained a pound) i dont understand it, i was so good. Actually if i think about it i may not have even been eating enough? i dont know.

So i am Jessica, I am 20 and i weight 15 stone (i am also 5'5). I want to be 10stone
OMG i have to lose 5 stone, somebody shoot me. its a whole third of my actual weight now, wether you look at in stones or kilos (about 30kgs)

So went for my weigh in this morning and i had gained a pound. mabye it was the three cupcakes last night. (i have two jobs i do admin work in the morning and three nights a week from 6pm till 10pm i work in a bakery....am i stupid? probably) and after the wiegh in i had a choc muffin (ok it was small) and a scone (large) with butter and jam on it. I feel like a right fat pig.

The problem is, i have never been thin. since i hit puberty and went to boarding school i have gained weight (and felt fat for as long as i can remeber) so this feels kindof unachevable since its heading towards somehting i have never felt. How do i know when ive got there. Atm i dont see any difference which is disheartening. i look in the mirror and i can see the cellulite, the bukges, the stretch marks and the wobbly bits. I dont love myself how can i expect others to love me?

I just want to be thin, and i want to be thin now!!! All this slow stuff is frustrating me as i cant see the results. Also the cravings, those cupcakes last night, i literally inhaled them they were gone so fast. and it grips you its like a powerful force, that wipes your mind clean of anything but the object of your desire. its primitive and scary and hard to control.

i think i may join weight watchers, that mite help

also i am getting plent of exercise as when i work at the bakery i cycle to work (which is what i call ym real job) which is about 4miles then to bakery about 5 miles then home about 3.5miles
and i do this three times a week. maybe i need to join a gym again

wish me luck

alos i have answered these questions that everyone starting a diet is supposed to answer.


Are you prepared to eat differently than your friends at a social situation?
I dont think that this will be too much of an issue as my 'treats' that i am going to allow myself are nights out (which i dont do very often)
Will you acknowledge the truth about yourself objectively?
yes of course, the truth is, im fat
How do you eat?
All the time really, when bored, when hungry, when upset, when sad, when happy, when lonely
What sort of lifestyle do you and your family lead?
Pretty sedentry, my dad has been told by the doc (for his depression) to use the exercise bike. my sister is slim any way, my mum is skinny, and she cannot exercise because of a disability....basically couch potatoes who eat when ever and what ever.
Are you being totally honest with yourself?
I hope so, i know i love sweet but i also am SURE that being thin will be more fabulous than an sugar can make me feel
Are you prepared to accept the things you cannot change?
yes, if you dont like it then f*ck off
Are you prepared to change your home environment?
yes, lots of greens in the fridge etc, no bad food in the house, and luckily most of the time the bad food that my mum,dad and sister eat i dont like. should be ok
How do the local restaurants fit in?
I dont really go to restuarants very often, but when i do a small glass of wine and not bread before. but i may allow myself pudding
Will your current habits fit?
no. But they are changing, like the chycling to work. and working at night, and not brining money to my day job so i can buy anything
Is my kitchen okay?
Now that my mum is away its difficult because i dont feel like making dinner at 10:30pm. but when she comes back it will be opk. see i eat last nights dinner for my lunch and then have yogurt and fruit etc b4 cycling to the bakery, and then nothing for the rest of the night